Evil Overlord Guidebook for Treatment of Magic Creatures

This post is meant to point out and make fun of certain cliches and it should not be taken seriously. I also do not recommend anyone to become an evil overlord, this is just for people who are planning to do so anyway.

Do you want to become an evil overlord? Great black scary-looking fortress, vast armies of faceless evil mooks for heroes to kill, cool clothes, all that? Are you planning to get some cool monster to keep ordinary peasants away and make the heroes' life harder? Do you still wish to live a long life?

If you answered yes to the questions above, I have a few tips for you. I of course have never tried being an evil overlord or even a servant of one, but I am a nerd who knows fantasy cliches well enough. And honestly, there's nothing more embarrassing than a death that could have been easily avoided by treating your pets well.

You should also read this list if you want to become a fan-favourite villain and have a chance of being redeemed. People will find excuses for liking someone who murdered thousands of innocent people and burns villages just because fire looks so pretty, but they will draw the line at animal abuse. No one thinks that's cool. No one likes a villain who kicks dogs or drowns kittens. (Unless you are an attractive white man, in which case, no need to bother. You could be the worst possible human being ever and some people would still call you their baby and think that you're the purest little cinnamon roll who could never do anything wrong.)

So here's the list:

• Never hurt your monster. If the heroes somehow manage to free it, it could turn on you.
• It's tempting to keep your monster hungry, but don't do that. If you have a nice man-eating monster and you keep it hungry so it would kill your heroes, there's always a chance of something going wrong and your monster deciding that you are a better lunch than a bunch of heroes.
• Learn about the monster before you get it. Some monsters should not be kept inside a building, because they could accidentally destroy it. For example dragons should always be kept outside or in large caves. You really don't want it to set your castle on fire.
• If your monster is intelligent, talk to it. Try to keep in good terms with it. Don't enslave it or keep it imprisoned. Intelligent monsters are a great help if they're on your side, but they will also turn on you more easily.
• If your monster is one of your own creation, make sure that it either doesn't have enough free will to possibly turn on you, or that you treat it respectfully enough that it likes you. Seriously, it will only make you look like an idiot if you create the monster yourself and it still turns on you. (Looking at you, Gulnar from Robin of Sherwood. How could you even write a golem's chem so badly that it was able to decide to kill you?)

I could probably think of some more, but these are just the ones I could gather in a few minutes. Note that some of these also apply to dogs and other non-magical animals. I hope these are helpful! Good luck with taking over the world!